Archive for May, 2005

MILLIONS NOW LIVING WILL NEVER DIE

Monday, May 30th, 2005

You know, it’s hard to get blogging regularly again once the momentum’s been lost. I really don’t understand how people can churn out posts day after day. Maybe it would be easier if I had a “hook” or a mission statement of some kind. I guess my niche is in flippant, dismissive posts about academia and the scientific priesthood. For example:

Futurologist predicts that “realistically” we’ll be able to store our consciousness on a computer in the year 2050. It’s articles like these that make me wonder if futurology is really a scientific discipline at all. It seems a lot more like astrology to me, but instead of reading the motion of Jupiter and Saturn, furturologists read Wired Magazine.

Here are some choice quotes from Ian Pearson, futurologist of the future:

“The new PlayStation is 1 per cent as powerful as a human brain.” Okay.

“Consciousness is just another sense, effectively, and that’s what we’re trying to design in a computer.” Durrrr.

“It [the conscious computer of the future] would definitely have emotions – that’s one of the primary reasons for doing it. If I’m on an aeroplane I want the computer to be more terrified of crashing than I am.” I guess in the future the laws of physics will be fear-based.

And finally, “We can already use DNA, for example, to make electronic circuits so it’s possible to think of a smart yoghurt some time after 2020 or 2025, where the yoghurt has got a whole stack of electronics in every single bacterium. You could have a conversation with your strawberry yogurt before you eat it.” I have no idea what any of this means, but that’s probably because I haven’t been trained in the rigorous futurological methodology of “making shit up.”

* * *

So there you have it folks, some delicious Baboon Palace-brand mockery, fresh from the brain of me. Let’s see a strawberry yogurt top that!

Stay tuned for more exciting posts to come, including the depressing story of my recent near-death experience. Plus: a very special guest post coming soon! I hope!

STAR WARS EPISODE 3

Friday, May 20th, 2005

It totally wasn’t as bad as I expected! I watched it in the privacy of my living room, mind you, so I could tune out the horrible talking bits while folding my laundry.

Good:

– Ian McDiarmand is excellent as Palpatine/Sidious.

– Light sabre battles, light sabre battles, and then a few more light sabre battles.

– Um, special effects? Although Episode 3 fails spectacularly in every dramatic or human element, it makes a damn fine Universal Studios-style movie-ride.

– Darth Vader shaking his fist at the sky and screaming “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” (I originally put this in the “Ungood” column, but I’ve decided that this is actually super wicked awesome!)

– The very very end, after the credits, when we see Captain Kirk sit up in bed and say to Spock, who is dozing peacefully next to him, “I just had the strangest dream…”.

Ungood:

– Any time at which anybody talks to anybody else, for any reason.

– Droids making cutesy “Uh-oh” noises.

– Video game clichés. The action scenes play out with video-game logic instead of movie logic. The worst example of this is the final scene in which Anakin and Obiwan are battling while jumping on floating platforms in a river of lava. If there’s a more ubiquitous and shopworn video game cliché, I’d like to hear it. Episode 2 was bad for this (and many other reasons) as well, what with Anakin’s race through the gauntlet of hydraulic presses. The action scripting throughout clearly influenced more by Super Mario Brothers and Quake than by adventure serials or Seven Samurai, which get so much lip service from Lucas and his blowjob brigade. The movie as a whole feels organized into video-game action, on the one hand, and cut-scenes, which fill us in on the story to move the action along the next level. The acting is on par with most video-game cut-scenes, and it’s no accident that most games allow you to skip them.

– Obiwan not delivering the coup-de-grace to his student, who lies screaming, dismembered and on fire. Instead, he berates him for being a bad friend and then leaves. What an asshole. I’m sure he’d walk over and give you a big hug if he had any arms or legs or skin, you fucking baby. Obiwan is overall the most grating and unsympathetic character in the whole movie, which is really saying something.

MOUSTACHE POWERS ACTIVATE!

Friday, May 13th, 2005

I swear I will update this blog soon! In the mean time, please to be enjoying this quiz, courtesy of dadahead.

You scored as Postmodernist. Postmodernism is the belief in complete open interpretation. You see the universe as a collection of information with varying ways of putting it together. There is no absolute truth for you; even the most hardened facts are open to interpretation. Meaning relies on context and even the language you use to describe things should be subject to analysis.

Postmodernist
 
94%
Idealist
 
75%
Cultural Creative
 
75%
Materialist
 
63%
Existentialist
 
56%
Modernist
 
50%
Romanticist
 
25%
Fundamentalist
 
25%

What is Your World View?
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